Starting out

I recently came across a friends blog by chance - through a link on her FB page. I guess i have been really out of touch coz i had been hearing about "blogging" but never really understood what the hype was all about. Over the years I have become ultra cautious and paranoid especially about sharing info on FB etc with people in general but when I read her blog what interested me was how she shared stories about her growing son so that she never forgets them and can also share with him when he grows up. This concept i could relate to. My son S is almost 1.5 yrs and growing up so fast that I am already forgetting what his first words are!!!

I used to be a dear diary kind of person when i was young, writing down every thing that happened to me daily and continuously reflecting on life as it passed me by. And now as time has passed I have just stopped writing (and reflecting!) which is really strange since I used to LOVE writing - english composition was my favourite subject in school and I would dream about becoming a writer some day... (Now as i write all this i can see that my writing skills have also gone down the drain in the process!)

Anyway I am a working mother and still adjusting to juggling time with the baby and work.... The other day my husband was feeling bad that maybe S is really suffering emotionally because his mom works... and i told him that thats a feeling i have every day... i know its important that i work because i would go crazy if i had to stay home all day but at the same time i still go to work every day with a feeling of guilt... somehow that guilt never ends.... i dont know if it ever will... Although i leave him in good hands - my mother baby sits him and is as good a mom to him as i could be... and i know he enjoys himself in her house... plus i work half days only so its not like i am out all day. By mid day i am back home... but still once i am home and he refuses to let go of me and when i go to the bathroom he stands HOWLING with tears streaming down his face... i feel guilty and keep questioning my decision to work... But when i think of the flip side... what would happen if i stayed home all day...the life i picture is not so ideal... i feel like i would appreciate my time with him less... i would miss company of people... i would have no outlet for myself... and i would then end up taking out time away from S to do things like shopping, facials etc etc vs to do something mentally challenging.... Plus if i didnt feel satisfied and happy myself how could i be a good mother... I dont know if i will ever know for sure if this decision is right or not... For now i will continue to convince myself that this is the better of the 2 decisions...
P.S I know the image of him standing outside the bathroom howling sounds really bad but I only do that when i really need to use the washroom and no one else is at home to be with him. If there is someone with him then he is usuallly distracted and fine AND if ANYONE in the house is going out somewhere he completely forgets me and nicely runs to that person to be carried and taken out waving bye bye happily to me! :) Which makes me wonder - how convenient - if he is going out its fine to leave mum behind but it just can NEVER be the other way around!!! :)