Guilt

So the Eid holidays are over... and at the end of it I am left feeling tired, cranky, guilty, negative and frustrated and angry with myself! Let me explain. A few days before Eid "MY" maid was fired by someone who lives in the same house as me She Who Shalll Not Be Named... Thats a long story on its own which explains the feeling negative and frustrated...
So basically that meant that I was home for 5 days in a row (half of which my room was not cleaned) with an ultra HYPER demanding 1.5 yr old... plus I had to wash and sterlize bottles, do laundry, make snacks/food for the little one, do the ironing daily for eid outings and did not get a SINGLE moment to myself. WHen we were home and not out visitng I was either enteraining the little one or doing something that revolvd around him... when he would sleep i would quicly do all my errands so i could get a quick nap also... and in fact the last day i dint get any nap at all coz by the time i finished my lunch he was wide awake! And then i spent 2 hours trying to make him go bk to sleep as i was sooo desperate for some shut eye... but all it resulted in was lots of crying screaming etc etc so i finally gave up the dream of a nice afternoon nap...
That explains why i am so tired and cranky... plus i cundt help thinking that i wish i had a maid so at least some of my errands would have been less and a little more rest time for me... im trying not ot be negative because i know people are worse off than me etc etc... but i just couldn t help it. I have been dying to go out for dinner somewhere... which is a rare treat because 1) its impossible to go with the little one and 2) we dont have much of a social life these days. So technically i shud have been really happy to be going out with some friends for dinner with the little one being looked after by my aunt... But the entire night i was looking at the watch thinking that oh God its getting so late... i hope baby goes to sleep so I save 20 mins when i go home getting him to bed... and oh no ill only get x hrs of sleep now by the time i go home... oh no i still have to go home and iron and sterlize etc etc.... so basicallly it wasnt the most enjoyable evening... and at the end im angry and frustrated.... Angry at myself that maybe im just making too big a deal out of everything... all stay at home moms have this schedule with the kids... and ive gotten too used to only staying home half a day with the little one... but i really honestly feel burnt out! i just want a break. i want some time to myself without worrying about the fact that baby will wake up and ill lose out on precious sleep... or worrying that i hv to get the bottles washed or clothes ironed etc etc. Im just tired! THen i feel guilty for wanting time to myself... am i being a bad mother? i love my son to death! i really do! but i really want just a few hours to just unwind... watch a movie or talk on the phone or browse the internet without stressing about the trade off between doing that or sleeping or getting some errand or task done. is that too much to ask? Even if i had a maid i would never leave my son alone wiht her but at least some of the tasks would be taken care of and i would have a little more time to myself once lil one sleeps and while hes awake also i cud just sit (cannot lie down with littke one around coz he hates it and comes pulling me up and harassing me shouting Get upppp get upppp till i do just that) vs running around up and down getting his food or something...
I just dont know how stay at home moms manage - its like the last 5 days was just about serving a 1.5 yr old... my entire day was devoted to caring for him, playig with him =, feeding him etc etc... there was no me time... there was no break. there was no time to think even! Or is it just my child who is sooo demanding that he requires my attention constantly... and if my child is the exception how do i get him to be little more independent? He does play on his own for short periods but then he starts to get naughty and do things hes not supposed to so then i have to be after him OR after a short while (is 10 mins) he comes back to me to play with him or read to him or something...
Maybe im just crazy and making too much of all this... i dont know
All i know is that after 5 days of "holidays" im just mentally and physically exhausted and just want some time for myself... honestly in a way its a relief to be back at work coz at least i can think. I can take out 15 ins to browse the net and i can chat with adults at work without a baby screaming mummmmmyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!!
There are so many thoughts i want to keep blogging about but i just dont have the time to or the energy to. by the time i get time to all those thoughts are gone and im just putting them down without the passion behind then and not writing from the heart. And tehre is no satisfaction till you are writing from the heart. I miss my writing!
Anyway better get back to work now!!! :)