I hate being responsible :) Well... i used to be this really impulsive person but over time i have become very cautious and "scared" - weighing decisions over and over before making any. This relates specifically to going places... i guess this has happened due to the deteriorating law and order situation in my country... There is so much violence and chaos everywhere that i am actually scared to roam around too much anywhere.. in fact to a point of being paranoid... The other day for example i decided that it was about time the husband and I went out for a night out without the baby. there was a musical playing somehwere and we left the baby with my mom and went out... But what was the result? Throughout the night at the back of my mind i was waiting to hear a blast or some firing or something bad to happen... And then i realized WHAT WAS THE POINT of going out in the first place if i cant relax and enjoy myself as i am supposed to... I know most people have just gotten on with life despite the tension in our country... they still go places they normally would etc but i really struggle with this... One way is to just tell yourself - look if something has to happen it will happen to u even in the safest place you choose to be... But on the other hand i somehow havent been able to think like that because i feel that if i am even slightly irresponsible and something happens to my child or anyone close to me i will never be able to forgive myself. Better to be safe than sorry. Only issue is being safe is boring!
I was supposed to be on my way to this beautiful city in the northern part of my country today... with my office for a meeting. The others were also bringing family along and i was planning to take my son and my mom (since hubby refused to come - work commitments and said he will not be able to baby sit while i am working) - but over the last few days there were bomb blasts in that place we were supposed to go to and it scared me... and then i started having all kinds of thoughts... i was actually on some level despite my paranoia looking forward to the trip... i really wanted a break... to relax and enjoy myself... But then the night before the trip my mind was totally stressed on what to do... and all kinds of thoughts were haunting me... each and every member of my family was feeling super stressed about me going and i tried bravely to put on a front that oh no its totally safe for me to go.. and everything is chill! But then i knew inside i didnt believe that... i knew that there was some risk attached with going and then i weighed the situation and realized that there was no point in going with a nagging doubt and have everyone worry intensely the whole week i was away. And knowing myself i would be so paranoid the entire time i would be there i probably wouldnt enjoy myself anyway.
So i cancelled out and the rest of the team left today. So now im feeling bad... like i am missing out on something... (yeah i can never be happy can i!) - i really did want to go somewhere nice...
Anwyay! i dont like being this overly paranoid person - i miss my impulsive irresponsible side who had a blast all the time with friends and family! But unfortunately i think i have been psychologically affected by whats happening in my country... Maybe i should not be so uptight... but i find it impossible now not to be like this... right or wrong this is who i have sadly become...
Highly paranoid, highly responsible... i hate that!
Its just so normal to go through these sentiments.
ReplyDeleteA lot of us felt the same here in Mumbai after every attack in the last 3 years.
Some of us who could afford to miss work, stayed back, while people working on daily wages didn't have that comfort too.
It can also be irritating to hear that an xyz city will bounce back, it has to, since it's resilient.
Really, people aren't resilient by choice, but by force.
But, having said all of this, I do believe that we should keep going out, eating out, going for musical shows and movies.
We owe this much to our city, its economy and all the unfortunate ones who die. We owe it to ourselves and our children, who need to fight out against divisive forces.
Hi "All Talk & No Action"... I returned to blogging to find your comment and was pleasantly surprised... i didnt even know anyone read my blog :)
ReplyDeleteThanks for your advice... you are right - i have to continue going out and living life... (being reasonably careful ofcourse)... but all that is happening around us makes me sad...